He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
