You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
