you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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