Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
