Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
