two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
