He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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