The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
