I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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