if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
