I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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