I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
