At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
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Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
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I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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