If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i will never coherently bang her
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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