He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
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I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
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Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Floor bacon is actually really good
All I want is dick and wine.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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