I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
