It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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