I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
