i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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