You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
