what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
