exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
