Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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