In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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