Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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