wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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