what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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