On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's like God shit irony all over that family
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
