you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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