you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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