My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
