I can tuck mytits in my pants
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
