just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
