mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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