if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
