I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
