Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
