So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
