I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
