why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
