she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
