The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
