if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
