I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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