Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
