What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
