Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
