Soap is not a condiment
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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