Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
