Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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