Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
