Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
