I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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