I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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