We're like a lot better than the average bears
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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