His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
