Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
