it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
